When I acted out as a kid, my mom would simply backhand me across the jawbone. No warning, no hesitation; just a swift blow to the kisser. If I acted like a ‘little shit’ (her words), her wedding ring was imprinted in my cheek for the next week.
These days though, parents have gone soft. Instead of beating the crap out of our kids, we give the little foul-mouthed bastards time-outs. The situation has gotten so bad, President Obama has even adopted it as his foreign policy (see: Iran).
Now I’m not sure who first invented the “time-out,” but I’m almost positive their kid ended up a convict. Sitting in a corner for five minutes doesn’t make seven year-olds reflect on inappropriate behavior; it just makes them boil with animosity for whoever put them there.
If you want to make a kid feel humble, crack him in the jaw. Then tell him to put down the video-game controller and go play outside. If he’s good, give him a pack of matches or something.
Of course, this parenting philosophy is considered a little brutal. And as I’m not a parent myself, I really don’t have enough authority in the subject to write about it. I’ve considered hitting other people’s kids so I can gain some experience, but my attorney advised against this. So, with all other options exhausted, the best I can do is forward you information from the experts…
As a crappy new-wave parent, it may surprise you to know that refined foods make kids hyper. And according to The Atlantic, all it takes to calm them down is a healthy diet.
“A recent Australian study looked at the relationship between dietary patterns and ADHD. Kids who ate a Western diet, one that is high in total fat, saturated fat, refined sugars, and sodium, and deficient in omega-3 fatty acids, fiber, and folate, were significantly more likely to have ADHD than those who ate a healthy diet, one that is rich in fish, vegetables, fruit, legumes, and whole-grain foods. The study authors concluded that, “a modification of the child’s dietary pattern may offer an alternative method of treatment to ADHD and less reliance on medications.”
Fish, vegetables, fruit and legumes usually don’t top the list of a kid’s favorites. But some claim you can change this opinion by bringing kids closer to where their food comes from. Expert gardener Matthew Vettese “believes growing organically in one’s own backyard presents a solution.” By growing in your own backyard, you establish a relationship with what you eat. Gardening is an activity in-and-of itself as well, and it provides incentive for kids to go outside.
So if you’re trying to calm your kid down, consider a local diet. Otherwise I’ll be waiting in the candy aisle of your Toys R Us, hand raised and slap-happy.