Valentine’s Day is upon us, and many of us usually refer to lists for good gift ideas. Though beware—there are many a sinister list floating around on the good old internet. Normally a source of great list reading, Glamour magazine recently featured a completely ludicrous list.
Entitled, “What his Valentine’s Day Gift says about your relationship” this list is supposed to break down 11 types of gifts for their actual meaning. While not completely bogus, they are reaching with a capital R. I break down 5 of them below.
1: He gets you perfume
What they think it means: He wants to get more serious, aka a relationship. He can’t “ask you” to be his girlfriend so he’s saying it with scented eau de toilette.
What I think it means: He probably likes you a lot, but he doesn’t want to necessarily be your boyfriend. If it’s something you’d never wear, I’d investigate and find out more about his ex’s favorite scent. I smell a lazy loser.
2: He buys you sexy lingerie
What they think it means: He wants you to feel sexy and simultaneously spice things up in the sac.
What I think it means: He doesn’t care if you feel sexy. He saw something like it in Maxim and he wants to see you in it. Plus, if you’re not that serious yet, he’s giving you a major hint about what his idea of a next step is.
3: He gives you chocolates—ONLY chocolates
What they think it means: This 29- year-old sixth grader didn’t put forth the time or effort to think of what you’d actually want.
What I think it means: I actually agree. Unless they are filled with an illegal substance, or diamonds, getting a box o’ chocolates for V-day is L-A-M-E. That’s what my Mom gives me.
4: He buys you expensive diamond earrings
What they think it means: That he’s like two more months salary away from buying you a more important diamond bauble to seal your engagement.
What I think it means: I’ve seen many a relationship blood hound fall flat after following this red herring. Sometimes guys just want to buy you pretty things! Sure diamonds might be a bozo choice because it gets a woman thinking long term, but perhaps he just wanted to be romantic. Imagine that.
5: He buys you a frying pan
What they think it means: Get in the kitchen and cook me dinner woman! This idiot wouldn’t know romance if it hit him over the head… with a frying pan.
What I think it means: While quite the ballsy move, unless you asked for this for a one year anniversary, and he got you a super sweet (and expensive) matching Le Creuset set, he’s taking a huge chance. But, you’ve got to give the guy points for his lack of creativity and subtlety.